1 00:00:03,380 --> 00:00:05,380 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:12,020 --> 00:00:14,180 3 00:00:14,260 --> 00:00:15,540 4 00:00:15,620 --> 00:00:17,580 5 00:00:17,660 --> 00:00:18,860 6 00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:21,020 7 00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:22,140 8 00:00:22,580 --> 00:00:24,500 9 00:00:24,580 --> 00:00:26,020 10 00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:28,020 11 00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:29,420 12 00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:31,740 13 00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:32,980 14 00:00:33,060 --> 00:00:34,660 15 00:00:34,740 --> 00:00:36,100 16 00:00:36,180 --> 00:00:38,700 17 00:00:38,780 --> 00:00:40,380 18 00:00:40,460 --> 00:00:41,500 19 00:00:41,580 --> 00:00:42,980 20 00:00:43,060 --> 00:00:45,500 21 00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:46,580 22 00:00:46,660 --> 00:00:48,220 23 00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:49,860 24 00:00:49,940 --> 00:00:52,260 25 00:00:53,860 --> 00:00:55,420 (VOCALIZING) 26 00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:57,780 27 00:00:57,860 --> 00:00:59,180 28 00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,020 29 00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:02,620 30 00:01:02,700 --> 00:01:04,940 31 00:01:05,020 --> 00:01:06,060 32 00:01:06,140 --> 00:01:08,060 33 00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:09,540 34 00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:11,820 [ 35 00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:13,020 36 00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:15,220 37 00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:16,580 38 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:18,740 39 00:01:18,820 --> 00:01:19,820 40 00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:22,540 41 00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:24,100 42 00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:26,620 43 00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:29,220 44 00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:30,300 45 00:01:30,380 --> 00:01:31,980 46 00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:33,540 47 00:01:33,620 --> 00:01:36,060 48 00:01:41,460 --> 00:01:45,500 49 00:01:45,860 --> 00:01:50,060 50 00:01:50,140 --> 00:01:54,220 51 00:01:55,020 --> 00:01:58,620 doggle-durgle-day 52 00:02:00,260 --> 00:02:03,100 so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so 53 00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:04,380 54 00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:06,980 55 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:08,100 56 00:02:08,180 --> 00:02:09,900 57 00:02:09,980 --> 00:02:11,700 58 00:02:11,780 --> 00:02:13,820 59 00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:15,180 60 00:02:15,740 --> 00:02:18,260 - No, this isn't the one. - What isn't? 61 00:02:18,340 --> 00:02:21,500 I'm looking for this dream I had last month on the dream recorder. 62 00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:23,020 It was sensational. 63 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,820 What was it about? 64 00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:26,260 Me, three girls 65 00:02:26,340 --> 00:02:28,820 and a family-size tub of bananayoghurt. 66 00:02:29,060 --> 00:02:32,340 You cats have a very strange attitude to women if you ask me. 67 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,220 Say what, goalpost-head? 68 00:02:35,620 --> 00:02:36,620 It's all sex. 69 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:39,540 There's no sense of settling down, having a long-term relationship. 70 00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:41,020 Hey, I want to settle down. 71 00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:43,900 And as soon as I find the right small group of girls, 72 00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:46,220 the seven or eight women who are right for me, 73 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,780 my wandering days are over, buddy. 74 00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:51,100 You see? Totally maladjusted. 75 00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:52,180 That's rich, you know. 76 00:02:52,260 --> 00:02:54,340 I mean, coming from the man whose favourite book is 77 00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:56,020 How To Pick Up Girls By Hypnosis. 78 00:02:57,460 --> 00:02:59,740 There's nothing wrong with that, Lister. It's a good book 79 00:03:00,020 --> 00:03:01,980 full of handy hints as well and it works. 80 00:03:02,060 --> 00:03:03,420 Get outta town! 81 00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:06,700 (RIMMER SIGHS) 82 00:03:06,780 --> 00:03:09,380 That's howl met Lorraine. By hypnotising her. 83 00:03:09,780 --> 00:03:12,380 You hypnotised a girl into going out with you? 84 00:03:12,820 --> 00:03:16,020 Yes, I gave her the old "There's something in your eye" technique. 85 00:03:17,140 --> 00:03:19,140 Fixed her with the Mesmer stare. 86 00:03:19,940 --> 00:03:21,220 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 87 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:23,060 And bingo, she agreed to come on a date. 88 00:03:23,580 --> 00:03:25,740 - What was wrong with her? - Nothing. 89 00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:27,540 Come on, a girl agreed to go out with you 90 00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:29,220 and there was nothing wrong with her? 91 00:03:29,540 --> 00:03:32,580 Lister, she was an extremely attractive and bright young lady. 92 00:03:32,660 --> 00:03:34,300 Yeah, well, it must work then, eh? 93 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:36,100 Of course, she had an artificial nose. 94 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:38,540 What? 95 00:03:38,620 --> 00:03:40,100 Oh, tastefully done. 96 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,180 Quality metal, no rivets. 97 00:03:43,620 --> 00:03:44,740 Come on, what happened? 98 00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:47,700 Well, things were a bit stilted in the taxi. 99 00:03:47,780 --> 00:03:50,820 All my jokes about her nose hadn't gone down too well. 100 00:03:51,540 --> 00:03:53,980 And they were good gags, I mean, quality gags, like, 101 00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:56,100 "Where are we going?" "Who nose?" 102 00:03:56,340 --> 00:03:57,580 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 103 00:03:57,860 --> 00:03:58,900 No cheap shots. 104 00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:01,020 Anyway, when we go to the restaurant, 105 00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:02,820 she must have had an attack of nerves or something. 106 00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:04,220 She said she was going to the loo 107 00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:06,340 and ended up climbing out of the toilet window. 108 00:04:06,940 --> 00:04:08,140 I wonder why. 109 00:04:08,460 --> 00:04:10,580 It's not because she didn't want to see me, Lister. 110 00:04:10,660 --> 00:04:11,740 She phoned the next day and said 111 00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:14,180 how much she'd love to come on another date with me. 112 00:04:14,540 --> 00:04:16,620 Only suddenly she had to move to Pluto. 113 00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:20,100 You're a sad weasel of a man, you know that, Rimmer? 114 00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:23,100 No, I'm just that I'm ill at ease with the opposite sex. 115 00:04:23,380 --> 00:04:25,940 It's because you see them as some alien species 116 00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:27,740 that need to be conquered with trickery. 117 00:04:27,820 --> 00:04:29,100 They're not, they're people. 118 00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:31,100 You don't need your books on hypnosis. 119 00:04:31,180 --> 00:04:33,020 And what's the other one? What's the other one? 120 00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:35,860 1,001 Fabulous Chat-up Lines. 121 00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:39,380 Lister, I do need that, it's brilliant. Those chat-up lines are guaranteed. 122 00:04:39,660 --> 00:04:41,060 There's no such thing. 123 00:04:41,260 --> 00:04:43,780 All right. You be a woman, okay? 124 00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:45,700 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) 125 00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:49,740 Sort of on your own, in a bar, short leather miniskirt, peephole bra. 126 00:04:51,660 --> 00:04:52,860 Okay, go on. 127 00:04:52,940 --> 00:04:54,940 This is the most... This is the most incredible chat-up line 128 00:04:55,220 --> 00:04:56,860 you've ever heard in your life, guaranteed. 129 00:04:57,020 --> 00:04:58,900 - Go on. - Okay, In a bar, on your own. 130 00:05:02,940 --> 00:05:05,660 Excuse me, would you like to join me for a cocktail? 131 00:05:05,900 --> 00:05:07,100 No. 132 00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:09,020 Well, you can't say no. 133 00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:11,140 It doesn't work if you say no. You've got to say yes. 134 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:13,100 Oh, right. Okay, go on, go on. 135 00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:17,620 So, would you like a wormdo? 136 00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:19,540 What's that, then? 137 00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,700 - What's what? - A wormdo. 138 00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:25,220 What about it? 139 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,220 Is this still the opening line? 140 00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:29,900 But you're not giving me the right replies! 141 00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:31,420 What is the right reply? 142 00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:32,700 I come up to you and say, 143 00:05:32,780 --> 00:05:34,700 "Excuse me, would you like to join me in a cocktail?" 144 00:05:34,780 --> 00:05:36,460 You say yes. I say, 145 00:05:36,540 --> 00:05:39,780 "Would you like a wormdo?" You say, "What's a wormdo?" and I say, 146 00:05:39,860 --> 00:05:41,500 "Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that." 147 00:05:42,220 --> 00:05:43,220 You know it! 148 00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,500 Rimmer, you could not pull a rotten tooth 149 00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:47,980 out of a dead horse's head with that one. 150 00:05:48,060 --> 00:05:51,060 - Eureka. I've done it. - Done what? 151 00:05:51,380 --> 00:05:53,060 The Earl of Sandwich in vented the sandwich, 152 00:05:53,300 --> 00:05:55,540 Samuel Morse in vented the Morse code, 153 00:05:55,620 --> 00:05:57,500 Plato in vented the plate. 154 00:05:59,180 --> 00:06:02,700 And now I, Holly, have invented the Holly Hop Drive. 155 00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:04,580 Ooh, I can't wait to see it. 156 00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:07,700 It's monumental, this. Epoch-making. 157 00:06:08,060 --> 00:06:10,580 The Holly Hop Drive can transfer any object instantly 158 00:06:10,660 --> 00:06:12,220 to any other point in space. 159 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:14,660 What? You mean we could go back to Earth? 160 00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:16,100 In a matter of seconds. 161 00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:19,500 What, you mean we can go back to Earth, like, right now? 162 00:06:19,740 --> 00:06:20,860 This instant? 163 00:06:21,060 --> 00:06:23,620 - Right on. - Rock and roll! 164 00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:37,620 Oh, is this it? 165 00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:39,540 What do you think? 166 00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:43,140 It's just... It's just a box with "stop" and "start" on it! 167 00:06:45,220 --> 00:06:47,060 It's fairly straightforward. 168 00:06:48,620 --> 00:06:50,300 If you want to start it, press ”Start”. 169 00:06:50,940 --> 00:06:53,220 You could work out the rest of the controls for yourself. 170 00:06:54,860 --> 00:06:56,780 It's absolutely pathetic. 171 00:06:57,620 --> 00:07:00,580 Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive. 172 00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:02,140 Drive engaged. 173 00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:04,100 Initiating ignition sequence. 174 00:07:04,180 --> 00:07:05,380 Ignition sequence initiated. 175 00:07:05,620 --> 00:07:07,060 Get on with it. 176 00:07:07,140 --> 00:07:08,180 It takes time, this. 177 00:07:08,260 --> 00:07:11,340 One slight error in any one of my 73 billion calculations, 178 00:07:11,420 --> 00:07:13,260 we 'll all be blasted to smithereens. 179 00:07:13,660 --> 00:07:17,060 Here we go, then. Ten, nine, eight, 180 00:07:17,460 --> 00:07:20,060 - six, five... - You missed out the seven. 181 00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:22,060 Did I? 182 00:07:22,620 --> 00:07:24,740 I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens. 183 00:07:26,420 --> 00:07:27,980 We're going to die. 184 00:07:28,060 --> 00:07:29,820 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) 185 00:07:30,180 --> 00:07:32,620 No problem. I 'll start lower down. 186 00:07:34,860 --> 00:07:36,100 One. Blast off. 187 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,460 We 'Ve done it. We 're home. 188 00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:45,300 - It worked? - We're at Earth? You must be joking! 189 00:07:45,860 --> 00:07:47,220 Half a mo. 190 00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:49,820 It's gone. 191 00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:51,060 What has? 192 00:07:51,420 --> 00:07:52,540 The Earth. 193 00:07:53,420 --> 00:07:54,820 It's missing. It's not there. 194 00:07:55,660 --> 00:07:58,500 Wait a minute. I was looking out the wrong window. 195 00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:02,820 No, no, it has gone. 196 00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:04,860 The entire solar system is missing. 197 00:08:06,020 --> 00:08:07,780 Well, what is actually out there? 198 00:08:08,260 --> 00:08:09,940 Nothing, just space. 199 00:08:10,860 --> 00:08:15,900 Holly, the thought occurs that we haven't actually reached Earth. 200 00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:18,020 The further thought occurs 201 00:08:18,460 --> 00:08:20,940 that we haven't actually budged a smegging inch. 202 00:08:22,940 --> 00:08:24,300 No, no, we have. 203 00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:26,420 It's just I don't know where we are. 204 00:08:26,620 --> 00:08:28,820 I've got to admit it. I've flamingoed up. 205 00:08:29,100 --> 00:08:30,100 What? 206 00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:32,100 It's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger. 207 00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:36,460 Wait, there is something there. It's another ship. 208 00:08:36,980 --> 00:08:39,180 - Aliens! - Punch it up. 209 00:08:39,380 --> 00:08:41,580 It looks like an exact copy of Red Dwarf. 210 00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:43,820 LISTER: Eh? So what's happened? 211 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:46,020 Somehow, don't ask me how, 212 00:08:46,260 --> 00:08:47,860 we've jumped into a parallel universe. 213 00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,620 We 'Ve entered the fifth dimension 214 00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,060 What's the fifth dimension? 215 00:08:51,420 --> 00:08:53,940 Didn't they get to number six with Baby, I Want Your Love Thing? 216 00:08:55,380 --> 00:08:57,340 You 'Ve got your basic dimensions, right? 217 00:08:57,420 --> 00:08:59,180 Length, breadth, depth and time. 218 00:08:59,260 --> 00:09:01,460 The fifth dimension is co-existing realities, 219 00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:03,460 two bodies who share the same space, 220 00:09:03,580 --> 00:09:05,460 but are unaware of each other's existence. 221 00:09:05,820 --> 00:09:07,740 Sounds like my parents in bed. 222 00:09:09,420 --> 00:09:10,580 So hang on, 223 00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:13,380 this is another Red Dwarf, with another Rimmer and Lister on board? 224 00:09:13,740 --> 00:09:15,380 Will they be exactly the same as us? 225 00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:18,420 No, there will be differences. It's a parallel universe, innit? 226 00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:19,500 What do you mean? 227 00:09:19,580 --> 00:09:21,140 Well, for instance, in this universe 228 00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:23,260 it could be that Hitler won the Second World War. 229 00:09:23,340 --> 00:09:24,860 It could be something even more incredible, 230 00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:27,380 like perhaps Ringo was a really good drummer. 231 00:09:27,460 --> 00:09:28,580 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 232 00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:31,940 Hang on, I 'm linking up with their onboard computer. 233 00:09:32,220 --> 00:09:35,340 - Hello, I 'm Hilly. - Hello, I 'm Holly. 234 00:09:35,420 --> 00:09:37,260 - Hello, Holly. - Hello, Hilly. 235 00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:40,500 Well, this is a tum-up, innit? 236 00:09:40,740 --> 00:09:43,100 You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out. 237 00:09:43,660 --> 00:09:45,180 Right on, sis. 238 00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:47,780 - [See you, Hal. - See you, Hi]. 239 00:09:49,620 --> 00:09:50,660 I 'm in there. 240 00:09:50,780 --> 00:09:52,420 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 241 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:11,620 It's identical in every detail to our Red Dwarf! 242 00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:15,460 There's a very funny smell around here that I don't like one bit. 243 00:10:16,260 --> 00:10:18,020 It smells like your moon boots, man. 244 00:10:18,860 --> 00:10:20,620 I'm going to get rid of it. 245 00:10:21,340 --> 00:10:23,420 That's mine. This is mine... 246 00:10:24,740 --> 00:10:26,780 So, where's the other Rimmer and Lister? 247 00:10:32,260 --> 00:10:33,900 So, you're not aliens. 248 00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:36,460 - Hi. - Hi. 249 00:10:40,940 --> 00:10:42,580 - How do you do? - How do you do? 250 00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:45,340 - So, you must be Lister? - And you are, too. 251 00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:46,500 I hope so. 252 00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:49,260 - You must be Rimmer. So am I. - Splendid. 253 00:10:51,260 --> 00:10:52,460 - Deb. - Dave. 254 00:10:52,540 --> 00:10:53,820 - Arnold. - Arlene. 255 00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:55,220 Indeedy. 256 00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:01,860 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) 257 00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:16,100 So, you come from a universe which is exactly the same as ours. Can I? 258 00:11:16,380 --> 00:11:17,580 Yeah. 259 00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:23,660 Only everything's opposite? 260 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:27,180 I don't know if everything's opposite. It seems like that. 261 00:11:27,540 --> 00:11:30,660 So, you come from a female-orientated society? 262 00:11:31,420 --> 00:11:34,420 Well, it's not exactly female-orientated any more, 263 00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:38,140 not since the '60s, you know, with the "Equal Rights For Men" marches. 264 00:11:39,300 --> 00:11:41,740 You know, when they burned their jockstraps and all that. 265 00:11:42,460 --> 00:11:43,580 Stop! 266 00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:46,660 Haven't you read The Male Eunuch by Jeremy Greer? 267 00:11:48,220 --> 00:11:50,500 So, your history ls parallel to ours as well? 268 00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:54,220 So hang on, who was the first person on the moon? 269 00:11:54,860 --> 00:11:56,260 Nellie Armstrong. 270 00:11:57,380 --> 00:11:58,780 Nellie Armstrong? 271 00:11:59,740 --> 00:12:03,020 - So, who wrote Hamlet? - Will Shakespeare. 272 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:04,700 Ah, so he was a bloke. 273 00:12:04,940 --> 00:12:06,980 No, she was a woman. Wilma Shakespeare. 274 00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:09,820 Yes, she wrote all the greats. 275 00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:12,340 Rachel 11], The Taming Of The Shrimp. 276 00:12:12,580 --> 00:12:14,340 Oh, my God, what's this? 277 00:12:15,060 --> 00:12:17,940 - My Camera Monthly Magazine. - But it's disgusting! 278 00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:22,060 It's full of semi-naked blokes draping themselves over sports cars. 279 00:12:22,460 --> 00:12:23,860 What's wrong with that? 280 00:12:23,980 --> 00:12:26,300 You're not one of those boring masculinists, are you? 281 00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:30,660 So, sexual attitudes are opposite, as well? 282 00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:33,260 What's that, my little... cupcake? 283 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:35,020 Your little what? 284 00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:37,100 But it just looks ridiculous! 285 00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:40,660 I mean, these models are deformed, hugely deformed. 286 00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:43,340 Makes one feel quite inadequate. 287 00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:47,820 I wouldn't worry about that, my pretty. 288 00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:50,860 Hey, holograms can touch each other! 289 00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:53,740 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I hate to break up the party, 290 00:12:53,900 --> 00:12:55,940 but isn't there somebody missing? 291 00:12:56,140 --> 00:12:57,180 How do you mean? 292 00:12:57,740 --> 00:13:00,260 Well, Lister, female opposite. 293 00:13:00,460 --> 00:13:03,660 Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine? 294 00:13:03,940 --> 00:13:06,980 Oh, right. Mooching around the cargo decks, I think. 295 00:13:07,260 --> 00:13:10,780 (EXCLAIMS) All my life I've waited for this moment, 296 00:13:10,860 --> 00:13:12,700 and now it has arrived! 297 00:13:12,780 --> 00:13:15,900 Hey, listen, if you hear me screaming, do not, 298 00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,460 I repeat, do not come to the rescue! 299 00:13:18,780 --> 00:13:20,580 (EXCLAIMS) 300 00:13:21,220 --> 00:13:23,380 301 00:13:24,980 --> 00:13:27,700 - I think he's In for a bit of a shock. «my? 302 00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:30,460 - His opposite isn't female. - What is it? 303 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,300 It's a dog. 304 00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:37,100 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Boy, oh, boy! Where'd they go? 305 00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:38,660 I get so dang panicky 306 00:13:38,740 --> 00:13:41,220 when they go off and leave me on my own like this. 307 00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:43,900 Damn these fleas! 308 00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:46,580 CAT: 309 00:13:46,940 --> 00:13:48,500 310 00:13:49,460 --> 00:13:51,180 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 311 00:13:57,100 --> 00:14:00,340 I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he wants to eat me. 312 00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:04,020 Well, trash my shorts. 313 00:14:04,180 --> 00:14:06,060 What a funny-looking dog! 314 00:14:06,460 --> 00:14:08,420 I'd better make myself look big! 315 00:14:09,340 --> 00:14:11,820 Put it there, buddy, put it right there. 316 00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:15,980 God! What kind of toothpaste does he use? Rotting meat flavour? 317 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,020 Come on, now. I wanna be your buddy! 318 00:14:20,220 --> 00:14:22,780 I'll tell you what, I'm gonna smell your behind. 319 00:14:23,020 --> 00:14:24,740 Then you can smell mine. 320 00:14:25,900 --> 00:14:27,500 Now, is that a deal? 321 00:14:27,580 --> 00:14:30,100 - You wanna smell my what? - Why, sure! 322 00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:32,620 Don't you wanna smell me? 323 00:14:32,820 --> 00:14:35,300 Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars! 324 00:14:36,260 --> 00:14:37,940 When's the last time you take a bath? 325 00:14:38,140 --> 00:14:40,780 - Oh, please, don't say that word! - What, bath? 326 00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:43,100 You said it again! Now, listen up. 327 00:14:43,260 --> 00:14:46,980 If you're gonna say that word in front of me, please spell it. 328 00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:50,540 When did you last time you took a B-A-T-H? 329 00:14:51,780 --> 00:14:53,180 What's that? 330 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:56,140 Yo, Cat. There you are. 331 00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,740 - Come on, we're going to the disco. - What? 332 00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:01,340 Yeah, Holly said it's going to take about 17 hours 333 00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:02,580 to repair the Hop Drive 334 00:15:02,780 --> 00:15:04,100 so I thought we'd go and have a few... 335 00:15:05,180 --> 00:15:06,220 Bevvies. 336 00:15:06,460 --> 00:15:08,300 Yeah, yeah, yeah! Well, come on! 337 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:09,820 (EXCLAIMS) 338 00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:12,620 (GRUNTS) Damn. 339 00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:14,940 (POP MUSIC PLAYING) 340 00:15:39,860 --> 00:15:42,100 Well, they seem to be getting on, don't they? 341 00:15:42,380 --> 00:15:44,540 - Yes. Absolutely. - Oh, yes. 342 00:15:45,220 --> 00:15:47,060 - Like a house on fire. - You can say that again. 343 00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:48,980 - Oh, yes. - Yes. 344 00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:53,580 Mind you, we've got a pretty good conversation going on here. 345 00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:55,220 Oh, yes, yes. 346 00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:57,660 Absolutely. 347 00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:02,340 Funny really, I'm not normally good at talking to the opposite sex. 348 00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,500 No, I'm not. I run out of things to say. 349 00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:10,580 Me, too. 350 00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:16,620 So, you're a girl, then? 351 00:16:21,460 --> 00:16:23,140 - Yes. - That's nice. 352 00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:27,860 Hang on. Haven't you got something In your eye? 353 00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:32,660 You're trying to hypnotize me, aren't you! 354 00:16:32,860 --> 00:16:34,500 - No, of course not. - Well, stop staring, then. 355 00:16:34,580 --> 00:16:35,980 - I'm not staring. - Yes, you are. 356 00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:37,940 Okay, I read it in this book. 357 00:16:38,140 --> 00:16:40,260 It's great for picking up bits of totty. 358 00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:45,420 Well, I'd hardly describe myself as a bit of totty. 359 00:16:46,540 --> 00:16:47,900 Oh, yes! 360 00:16:48,660 --> 00:16:51,900 Totty, totty, totty. 361 00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:54,900 I think you've had rather too much to drink. 362 00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:56,620 I always get like this when I'm tanked up. 363 00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:58,980 Come on. You're interested. 364 00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:00,220 I assure you I'm not. 365 00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:02,220 Why are you giving me all the signs then? 366 00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:05,660 - What signs? - Wearing such tight trousers? 367 00:17:06,140 --> 00:17:07,260 They're not tight. 368 00:17:07,420 --> 00:17:09,500 Of course, they are. You're begging for it. 369 00:17:11,260 --> 00:17:13,740 I'm not "totty" and I'm not begging for anything. 370 00:17:14,420 --> 00:17:15,500 Come on, give us a snog. 371 00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:17,860 I promise I won't try to take off your underpants. 372 00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:21,540 Look, I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind of boy. 373 00:17:26,820 --> 00:17:28,020 Frigid. 374 00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:32,420 You're disgusting! You're only after me for one thing. 375 00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:34,620 Why? How many have you got? 376 00:17:39,460 --> 00:17:41,620 You're a great conversationalist, you know that? 377 00:17:41,780 --> 00:17:44,020 I am, but I ain't said nothing yet. 378 00:17:44,140 --> 00:17:45,660 Yeah, that's what I like best. 379 00:17:45,740 --> 00:17:47,540 Yo, listen, I'm going to the bar, do you want anything? 380 00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,180 Yeah, I'll have a grenade. Thank you. 381 00:17:49,740 --> 00:17:52,620 - A grenade? - Yeah. I wanna play fetch with the dog. 382 00:17:58,780 --> 00:18:00,740 Listy! How are you, me old mate? 383 00:18:00,940 --> 00:18:03,740 Come and join us! Please, God, come and join us! 384 00:18:05,060 --> 00:18:06,220 I won't be long. 385 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,260 If you want to keep your beer cool, stick it between his legs. 386 00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:17,540 What was all that about? 387 00:18:17,980 --> 00:18:20,620 That is the most awful woman I've ever met. 388 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:21,700 She's you. 389 00:18:21,780 --> 00:18:23,460 She's absolutely repugnant. 390 00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:26,140 She doesn't treat me like I'm a normal human being at all. 391 00:18:26,220 --> 00:18:29,340 She seems to regard me as some sort of discardable sex object. 392 00:18:29,580 --> 00:18:31,620 She's the female equivalent of you. 393 00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:33,620 Nonsense. She's maladjusted. 394 00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,060 Trust my luck to end up with El Weirdo, 395 00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:39,420 while you trap off with the one with the juicy jugs. 396 00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:41,140 Who, she? 397 00:18:41,380 --> 00:18:44,020 She thinks of men the exact same way you think of women. 398 00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:45,180 It's disgusting. 399 00:18:45,260 --> 00:18:48,100 She accused me of wiggling my bottom in a provocative way. 400 00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:50,220 I was just walking! 401 00:18:50,620 --> 00:18:52,380 Can I help it if I happen to be sexy? 402 00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:56,060 - What's the other one like? - Totally gross. 403 00:18:56,540 --> 00:18:57,620 She's unbelievable. 404 00:18:57,860 --> 00:19:00,020 She tried to impress me by drinking six pints of lager 405 00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:02,540 and belching the whole of Yankee Doodle Dandy. 406 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:05,940 That's your party piece, isn't it? 407 00:19:06,340 --> 00:19:08,780 Yeah, but when I do it, it's really stylish, man. 408 00:19:09,580 --> 00:19:11,260 (BELCHES) 409 00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:12,740 Class. 410 00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:16,540 - Do you think you'll, er... - What? 411 00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:18,660 Get outta town! 412 00:19:19,020 --> 00:19:20,660 I mean, she's a good laugh, and all that, 413 00:19:20,740 --> 00:19:21,820 but all she wants to do 414 00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:23,900 is get like completely blitzed out of her brains 415 00:19:24,020 --> 00:19:25,460 and eat vindaloos. 416 00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:28,420 I mean, call me crazy, but I just don't find that attractive. 417 00:19:29,740 --> 00:19:32,260 - How you getting on then? - Well, put it this way, 418 00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:34,940 there'll be two pairs of shoes under the bed tonight. 419 00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:37,300 Wallop, eh! 420 00:19:39,340 --> 00:19:40,860 He doesn't look too interested to me. 421 00:19:41,060 --> 00:19:43,540 He looks more, sort of, petrified. 422 00:19:44,540 --> 00:19:46,580 Oh, he just doesn't want me to think he's the ship's bike, 423 00:19:46,660 --> 00:19:48,020 but I'm getting the signs. 424 00:19:48,860 --> 00:19:50,220 He crossed his legs 425 00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:53,300 and made pretty damn sure I saw he was wearing sock suspenders 426 00:19:53,580 --> 00:19:54,620 (EXCLAIMS) 427 00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,580 Rimmer, he's not interested. 428 00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:59,260 Maybe not now, but wait till I hit him the wormdo line. 429 00:20:01,580 --> 00:20:03,180 Hey, do you want to dance? 430 00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:05,900 Boy, I tell you, when I hit the dance floor, 431 00:20:06,020 --> 00:20:07,900 I am one mean turkey! 432 00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:09,100 Do you dance? 433 00:20:09,180 --> 00:20:10,740 (SCOFFS) Do I dance? 434 00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:12,980 Does Carmen Miranda wear fruit? 435 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,620 All righty! You lead on, boy. 436 00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:19,780 Hold this, Fido. 437 00:20:26,980 --> 00:20:30,220 You call that dancing? No way, Jose! 438 00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:32,460 This is dancing! 439 00:20:36,780 --> 00:20:38,220 (GROWLS) 440 00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:39,700 (HOWLS) 441 00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:41,900 Well, what do you think, huh? 442 00:20:45,220 --> 00:20:46,260 (DEB COUGHING) 443 00:20:46,340 --> 00:20:47,580 Oh, another dead heat. 444 00:20:47,820 --> 00:20:50,020 Again? That's eight dead heats on the run. 445 00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:53,260 - Listy, I want to speak to Holly. - Sure. 446 00:20:53,660 --> 00:20:55,500 Holly, how long before the Hop Drive's fixed? 447 00:20:55,580 --> 00:20:56,620 When can we get out of here? 448 00:20:56,700 --> 00:21:00,220 We 're busy fixing it right now, aren't we, Hilly? 449 00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:03,340 Yes, we are, Holly. Very busy fixing it right now. 450 00:21:03,420 --> 00:21:04,620 That's exactly what we 're doing. 451 00:21:04,980 --> 00:21:06,380 What's that mark on your face, Hol? 452 00:21:06,780 --> 00:21:08,100 What face? 453 00:21:09,260 --> 00:21:10,580 The lipstick mark. 454 00:21:10,780 --> 00:21:13,300 That's not a lipstick mark. That's a computer rash. 455 00:21:13,580 --> 00:21:16,260 Holly, just get the Hop Drive fixed and get me out of here. 456 00:21:16,980 --> 00:21:19,460 What's the matter? Aren't you having a good time? 457 00:21:19,740 --> 00:21:21,060 A "good time"? 458 00:21:21,900 --> 00:21:24,380 Lister, I'm going to bed now, 459 00:21:24,540 --> 00:21:27,420 by myself, on my own, alone. 460 00:21:27,580 --> 00:21:30,340 If she comes back, tell her I've got a headache or something. 461 00:21:30,660 --> 00:21:33,500 - Why, where's she gone? - She's gone to get some sexy videos. 462 00:21:33,780 --> 00:21:36,780 She seems to think that seeing two men together might turn me on. 463 00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:41,820 - Where are you sleeping? - I'm not telling you. It's too risky. 464 00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:44,220 Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin? 465 00:21:44,980 --> 00:21:46,300 466 00:21:46,380 --> 00:21:47,700 467 00:21:50,860 --> 00:21:54,420 Are you ready, then? Okay, after three. Three! 468 00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:56,300 (LAUGHING) Beat you! 469 00:22:10,740 --> 00:22:13,060 Oh, did I get drunk or did I get drunk? 470 00:22:16,780 --> 00:22:17,980 Oh, no. 471 00:22:19,780 --> 00:22:23,180 Oh, did I get drunk or did I get drunk? 472 00:22:23,740 --> 00:22:24,940 Hi. 473 00:22:25,580 --> 00:22:27,900 - Hi. - Listen, did we... 474 00:22:29,460 --> 00:22:30,820 I can't remember. 475 00:22:31,700 --> 00:22:34,860 I can remember betting you that I could climb the disco wall 476 00:22:34,940 --> 00:22:36,500 using only me lips. 477 00:22:38,540 --> 00:22:40,180 And then... 478 00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:43,300 Oh, God, I juggled the goldfish, didn't I? 479 00:22:44,460 --> 00:22:45,820 Blindfold. 480 00:22:46,620 --> 00:22:47,820 And then... 481 00:22:49,820 --> 00:22:51,540 Oh, eh, we did, didn't we? 482 00:22:52,620 --> 00:22:54,460 You pieces of filth. 483 00:22:55,820 --> 00:22:58,140 How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge... 484 00:22:58,220 --> 00:23:01,100 In my bunk, on my sheets, using my springs? 485 00:23:01,180 --> 00:23:04,660 How could you even contemplate making love to yourself? 486 00:23:05,540 --> 00:23:07,820 Well, why break a habit of a lifetime? 487 00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:13,260 Leave it out! I was gonzo, man. I was out of me skull. 488 00:23:13,940 --> 00:23:15,460 Wait, what's that supposed to mean? 489 00:23:15,980 --> 00:23:18,700 Well, I wouldn't have slept with you if I'd known what I was doing. 490 00:23:19,420 --> 00:23:20,940 Oh, hey, thanks a lot. 491 00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:23,140 I hope you get pregnant. 492 00:23:23,740 --> 00:23:25,340 No offence, man, but you're not exactly 493 00:23:25,420 --> 00:23:27,100 Mr Difficult to Pull, are you? 494 00:23:27,420 --> 00:23:28,700 Talk about a pushover! 495 00:23:29,460 --> 00:23:32,020 Well, that's rich coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers. 496 00:23:34,820 --> 00:23:38,780 I hope you get pregnant, you cheap little tart! 497 00:23:38,860 --> 00:23:39,940 You what? 498 00:23:40,020 --> 00:23:42,100 Him? How can he get pregnant? 499 00:23:42,740 --> 00:23:45,740 Well, if they didn't use precautions, he could be up the spout. 500 00:23:46,620 --> 00:23:48,780 Oh, but it's women who get pregnant. 501 00:23:49,180 --> 00:23:50,260 Since when? 502 00:23:50,420 --> 00:23:51,940 Since always. 503 00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:53,660 Me mother was a woman. 504 00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:56,700 Oh, Listy! 505 00:23:57,180 --> 00:23:59,860 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. 506 00:24:00,580 --> 00:24:02,740 If I'm understanding correctly, 507 00:24:03,100 --> 00:24:05,580 it appears that in their universe, 508 00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:08,100 it's the men who give birth to the babies. 509 00:24:08,500 --> 00:24:10,620 And as we are in their universe, 510 00:24:11,060 --> 00:24:14,380 you could very well possibly be up the duff, laddie! 511 00:24:16,060 --> 00:24:18,460 Come on, I'm not buying this. This is a wind-up. 512 00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:20,180 Don't get emotional. Not in your condition! 513 00:24:21,860 --> 00:24:25,740 It's impossible! I haven't got the... The equipment, have I? 514 00:24:26,180 --> 00:24:27,220 Of course, you have. 515 00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:29,620 You're in our universe. Our physical law applies. 516 00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:32,620 Shut up! Holly, tell me this isn't true. 517 00:24:33,380 --> 00:24:35,420 I 'm afraid it is, Mum. 518 00:24:36,460 --> 00:24:37,940 How could you do this to me? 519 00:24:38,380 --> 00:24:40,620 - Do what? - Fertilise me. 520 00:24:40,740 --> 00:24:42,380 Take advantage of me, 521 00:24:42,540 --> 00:24:45,340 knowing that I was drunk and I didn't have precautions. 522 00:24:45,700 --> 00:24:48,820 Listen, I assumed you'd taken care of that side of thing. 523 00:24:49,060 --> 00:24:50,740 It's the man's responsibility. 524 00:24:51,020 --> 00:24:52,820 It's the man who gets pregnant. 525 00:24:53,100 --> 00:24:56,100 It's the man who has to suffer the agony of childbirth. 526 00:24:56,500 --> 00:24:58,940 Agony? This gets better and better! 527 00:25:00,100 --> 00:25:02,860 Well, what do you want me to do? I'm sorry, okay? 528 00:25:03,300 --> 00:25:05,660 "Sorry"? That's it? "Sorry"? 529 00:25:05,980 --> 00:25:07,700 Wham, barn, thank you, mister? 530 00:25:09,340 --> 00:25:11,620 Well, there's no point standing around arguing about it. 531 00:25:11,860 --> 00:25:13,380 If it's happened, it's happened. 532 00:25:13,620 --> 00:25:16,100 Yeah, we'd better get back. I've fixed the Hop Drive. 533 00:25:16,180 --> 00:25:17,740 No, we can't go now, Hol! 534 00:25:17,980 --> 00:25:19,900 She could be the father of my child! 535 00:25:20,300 --> 00:25:22,540 If we don't go now, we won't be able to get back at all. 536 00:25:23,340 --> 00:25:26,980 Listen, just because it's possible for you to get pregnant, 537 00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:29,820 it doesn't mean you necessarily are. 538 00:25:30,260 --> 00:25:31,780 You might get lucky. 539 00:25:38,820 --> 00:25:40,820 But then again, you might not. 540 00:25:41,780 --> 00:25:43,820 We'll find out when we get back, won't we, Listy? 541 00:25:44,740 --> 00:25:46,420 HOLLY: Engaging Holly Hop. 542 00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:48,180 Holly Hop engaged. 543 00:25:48,580 --> 00:25:50,780 Four, three, one, blast off. 544 00:25:55,980 --> 00:25:57,300 (BEEPING) 545 00:25:58,740 --> 00:26:00,420 I don't know why I'm going through with this. 546 00:26:00,580 --> 00:26:02,220 It's just not possible. 547 00:26:02,500 --> 00:26:03,620 Why is it not possible? 548 00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:05,780 Male baboons have given birth. 549 00:26:05,860 --> 00:26:08,260 They were doing that as far back as the 20th century. 550 00:26:08,580 --> 00:26:09,820 Caesarean, naturally. 551 00:26:10,260 --> 00:26:12,500 (MIMICS SLASHING SOUNDS) 552 00:26:14,140 --> 00:26:15,540 Still, Lister, you'll be in good hands. 553 00:26:15,620 --> 00:26:18,020 The skutters will be able to handle a simple caesarean. 554 00:26:18,340 --> 00:26:19,700 Skutters! 555 00:26:19,980 --> 00:26:21,700 I wouldn't let them open a can of beans. 556 00:26:22,780 --> 00:26:24,740 You're thinking too negative! 557 00:26:25,100 --> 00:26:27,380 Think of all the glorious, beautiful, 558 00:26:27,580 --> 00:26:29,780 wondrous things about having children. 559 00:26:29,940 --> 00:26:32,620 - Like? - When they grow up and leave home. 560 00:26:34,540 --> 00:26:36,060 What colour is it supposed to turn? 561 00:26:36,140 --> 00:26:38,860 Blue for not pregnant, which is the colour it's going to turn. 562 00:26:38,980 --> 00:26:41,140 - And red for pregnant? - Yeah. 563 00:26:41,620 --> 00:26:43,620 Come on, you reds! 564 00:26:44,980 --> 00:26:47,740 - What colour is it now? - It's still white. 565 00:26:48,580 --> 00:26:50,340 01} I've just had a thought. 566 00:26:50,660 --> 00:26:52,060 Remember when we broke the light barrier 567 00:26:52,220 --> 00:26:53,700 and saw those echoes from the future? 568 00:26:53,980 --> 00:26:55,020 Yeah. 569 00:26:55,100 --> 00:26:57,340 And we saw your future self with twin boys. 570 00:26:57,420 --> 00:26:59,460 Right. I said, "How is it possible 571 00:26:59,540 --> 00:27:01,660 "to get two babies without a woman onboard?" 572 00:27:01,740 --> 00:27:03,060 And you said, "I don't know, 573 00:27:03,140 --> 00:27:05,140 "but it's going to be a lot of fun finding out." 574 00:27:05,220 --> 00:27:06,340 How right you were, Listy! 575 00:27:07,300 --> 00:27:09,420 Twins? No way, Rimmer! Not twins! 576 00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:13,140 Oh, yes! Big, bonny, strapping, bouncing boys they were, as well. 577 00:27:13,380 --> 00:27:14,740 Huge heads. 578 00:27:16,780 --> 00:27:18,580 - It's changing colour! - What colour? 579 00:27:18,660 --> 00:27:20,460 - Yes, it is! - It's changing colour! 580 00:27:20,540 --> 00:27:22,740 - Yes, it's changing colour! - What colour? 581 00:27:22,820 --> 00:27:24,500 - It's blue for not pregnant. right? - Yes! 582 00:27:24,580 --> 00:27:26,660 Oh, good news, excellent news, Listy! 583 00:27:26,740 --> 00:27:28,220 Oh, thank God! 584 00:27:28,540 --> 00:27:29,940 I'm going to be an uncle. 585 00:27:34,420 --> 00:27:37,820 there's no kind of atmosphere 586 00:27:37,900 --> 00:27:41,260 587 00:27:41,340 --> 00:27:44,620 588 00:27:44,700 --> 00:27:47,340 589 00:27:47,420 --> 00:27:51,020 590 00:27:51,100 --> 00:27:54,660 591 00:27:54,740 --> 00:27:57,500 592 00:27:57,940 --> 00:28:01,180 593 00:28:01,260 --> 00:28:03,860 594 00:28:03,980 --> 00:28:07,860 595 00:28:07,940 --> 00:28:10,540 596 00:28:10,620 --> 00:28:14,660